I’m a bit over 60 days now and have been kind of white knuckling it. I go from feeling encouraged and empowered to dumpy and depressed. I’m still not where I thought I would be by this point. I’m triggered a lot, especially this time of year. Everyone is stressed out, holiday parties (gag), getting Christmas together for the family on top of every day working and mothering crap. I’m uncomfortable, anxious and down a lot of the time. I know I’m not special and lots of people go through this without numbing out but I really needed to whine about it. Thanks for listening.
However, I have changed. They aren’t life changing changes – just little itty bitty one step forward changes. I’m still lazy as hell, but I’m feeling more energy to do small tasks. I have not yet lost any weight, but I’m moving more – especially on the weekends. I’m not eating any better so there is that.
I survived another holiday party last night. It was uncomfortable and awkward, all my insecurities on full display (at least in my mind). I wanted a drink just to feel like I could have a normal conversation. I tried to engage but I just couldn’t. I imagined ripping the drinks out of everyone’s hands and locking myself in a closet with them. I had an escape plan to leave early and I used it.
Had I been drinking I would have felt as if it was helping me interacted better, there would have been no inhibitions until the next day when I would have went through every single discussion and wondered if I offended anyone or said something stupid. Had I been drinking, I would have fully engaged with a woman who was after me for all the personal gossip about friend of mine. Had I been drinking, I would have given in a little, just happy to be part of a conversation. However I wasn’t drinking so I sat in the awkwardness of just staring at her and stumbling through my words desperately trying to change the subject. It was horrible but empowering at the same time. When I left, (more like ran out of there) all I could think about was how I was going to text my friend and tell her how intrusive and awful this woman was. Which is exactly what I would have done had I been drinking, but I was sober and suddenly I began to question my motives. Why ruin her night by telling her someone was all up in her business? I mean was I doing her any favours by giving her this information or was I doing it because I wanted her to know what a good friend I was by shutting it down? What were my actual intentions? And to go a bit further – was the intrusive woman really being vindictive or was she as uncomfortable or as insecure as I was? Maybe she was just trying to find a common ground? The truth is we had all once been friends but do to life things we had drifted apart, so the conversation last night had been weird and forced.
Anyway the point is walking home and thinking of this I realized after 60+ days that I was finally getting back to recovery. I’m turning a big, long corner. I’m not all the way there but at least I feel like I’m moving in the right direction.
Honestly, I’m not looking forward to the rest of holidays. I’m trying to be positive, but being around all the boozy people is so difficult when you’re sober, ask any designated driver ever. I will need to take it one dinner at a time, remind myself to stay engaged in conversation and not let my mind wander. Check in with my recovery community and make sure I treat myself and have something to look forward to.
Merry Christmas everyone.