Is this the time it’s gonna stick? I quit drinking 4 days ago for it feels like the 100,000 time. If I go back in my journal I started questioning my drinking 14 years ago. I actually managed an entire year of sobriety 6 years ago. A year filled of fear and greatness where I learned how to live differently. I wasn’t overjoyed but life was getting better, things were going well, so you know, why not fuck it up?
Since then I have quit for shorter periods of time but each time has gotten harder and more painful. Right now, I write this with a massive headache I’ve had for two days. I blame it on sinus pain but I’m pretty sure it’s probably my body adjusting. I just got back from a family vacation in which I drank daily and plenty, I was sober for almost 2 weeks before that so I imagine it’s my body saying, “What the hell, woman?”
So what am I doing here now? Well, I’m hoping you will keep me accountable. Which is silly I know because this is my first blog and well, I’m probably the only one reading it – but I just feel I need a space to work it all out privately. I guess I could do that in a journal but I’ve read so many great woman bloggers who say the sober community will lift you up…and, well, you have no idea how much this pains me to say, but I could use some lifting.
I tried before to open up to people in my life, but most don’t get it because I never over did it in front of anyone really. I’m an alone drinker, isolation works best. You can numb the shame, until 3am when you wake up and feel like a loser knowing you did it again even after you promised you would only have one.
I would rarely have more than 3-4 glasses of wine but I would drink those in an hour and half after work. Lately, I would try to hide it as much as possible because I didn’t want my husband or kids to know I was drinking almost daily. I just would keep going to the LCBO (liquor store in Canada) and hate myself – but I would still go. It would be the last time I told myself.
I also started drinking vodka, because, you know…calories, (insert eye roll). I never mixed it. I love vodka martini’s so I would just do vodka on the rocks with a splash of olive juice. 2.5 ounces a pour. Two in an hour. It was my time to wind down I told myself. Unfortunately I’m a fast drinker so sipping drinks never really happened. I tried to distract myself from the fact that technically I just drank 5 drinks before I even started dinner. And I did so because I never drank after dinner throughout the week, THAT would be wrong.
If it was a Friday, I would pick up white, red and vodka because those are my favs and if I am quitting on Monday then I have to say goodbye to all of them. I was quitting every Monday. But then Monday would come, and I would be hungover and come home from work knowing I was going to finish off whatever was left and start on Tuesday. Sometimes I would even get through the rest of the week until that devil of a day Friday rolled around and off I would go again. Rinse. Repeat.
Obviously this kind of behaviour has taken its toll or I wouldn’t be writing or quitting. Perhaps not outwardly in terms of family or job issues (I guess we call that high functioning) BUT inwardly I am a mess. I have depression and anxiety, so drinking is not in my best interest and after 14 years on and off of starting and stopping, things reached a level of darkness that got wicked scary and I just can’t justify it anymore.
No one thinks I have a problem. The bag of empties in my garage begs to differ.